Best Online Bingo

Every time everyone posts on this board with an actual tale of reconciliation, the first caution that they are given is to "take it slow." This makes lots of sense. It seems that for many of the couples that are half-represented on this board, their relationship went at warp speed, with early vows of love and marriage and babies, and in some way, this led to their downfall.

But how exactly do you "take it slow?" What does that mean? My ex and I have been talking for nearly a month now. For the first two weeks, we went on nearly platonic dates, being sure never to see each other for more than a few hours one or two nights a week. Last week, we stayed over two nights and spent one whole day together, and all of a sudden, that was "too fast." Now I don't want to backtrack. Things were finally starting to feel a little comfortable, and I don't want to go back to those (admittedly annoying and silly) platonic dates.

The other question I have is: what does it take to make this official, if that is indeed what we want? My ex has been very careful to say we are not back together. When I asked him about it last night he said that being "officially" together again means a lot of expectations and definitions, and he doesn't seem ready to accept those. I keep referring to him as my boyfriend because "ex, but only kind of" doesn't really roll right off the tongue. When I told my therapist about his reaction today, she said there's no way he wants a commitment and, in fact, we are back together, at least in everyone's eyes but his.

People who have gone through the getting back together thing: I'm lookin' at you. Your thoughts?

Hi There,

Well, I seem to remember just a few days ago you posted about having sex with your ex and then him sending you home, not wanting you to stay over, and leaving you in tears. And he didn't want to say you are back together because he's not ready for that.

I still think you are moving faster in this relationship than he is, and that has left you very recently feeling used and having higher expectations of what you are together than he is willing to give at this point.

Taking it slow means exactly that- backing off and starting fresh, not putting pressure on an already strained relationship, enjoying each other for what it is, and not placing expectations and just seeing how it goes.

And, until he's ready to talk about being committed, exclusive, and boyfriend and girlfriend again, holding off on having sex, because you tend to get emotionally attached and expect more and become disappointed and hurt when he isn't there yet. Plus, by sleeping with him you send him the message that you are willing to give all the perks of a committed relationship without the actual commitment and effort and devotion that a healthy, committed relationship requires.

Besides discussing your 'title' or lack of with him, have you talked about how you've been feeling? Are things progressing at all or does it seem he's keeping you at arms length because he like's it better that way?

I think it's common for people to slighty slow down their speed to better accomidate their partner, but Im not so sure you can speed someone up. I do think there should be some kind of progression. Even if it's subtle. If there isn't, Id say it's a pretty good sign he just prefers you at a distance.

I have and I haven't. Since he works long hours, he generally comes home fried and never wants to talk. When I talk, he generally just says "I know" to everything I say and doesn't add anything of his own.

I felt like we had been progressing the last week, but then we said that that was too fast, so we've hit a brick wall. His schedule this weekend is apparently insane, as well, so there is no talking and no seeing each other for awhile. The therapist suggested today that this is how he wants things at arm's length, just like you said. If he had a regular 9-5 job, he probably wouldn't have even attempted getting back together.

I read this and I think its going to just come down to you playing out the situations you are given. It sucks because you dont want to go backwards to the strictly platonic dates, and you want to have resolution.

So, taking things slow, in your case means feeling him out as best you can and trying to match whatever it is. And the unfortunate thing is sometimes, he may feel really into something at the moment, and then later decide he felt it was too much. So in some ways, you cant even win!

So my advice is to keep trying, but i know how much that sucks. It sounds like you have made progress in the past. I suggest that you stay strong this weekend, let it pass, and see what happens. Sometimes giving space when another is busy makes them want to see you more when they come out of the whirlwind.

Good luck. I wish i had more to say.

We got in a huge fight last night. Two nights ago I had asked him if he thought this was going well. He said yes, without hesitation. He asked me and I told him "it's very hard, but yeah." This was something of an untruth; I had issues I wanted to discuss, but he had just gotten home from a 10 hour day and told me he was totally exhausted.

Last night I mentioned something to him about how I didn't think this was going too well, and he lost it. He said I lied to him, and instead of apologizing, I just kept trying to rationalize it and confront him about the issues I was having. He said he has no issues and truly thought this was going well. We talked on the phone for 1/2 an hour and he just kept yelling, barking at me about how I'm worried about things that haven't even happened yet. In the first six months that we were dating, I heard him raise his voice once. In the last six months that I've known him, I've heard him yell a few times a month. Every time I try to talk to him he immediately gets angry and defensive.

I'm worried I'm getting myself in way too deep here. I know that this isn't working, and unless he has a major attitude adjustment, it isn't going to work. I've been waiting for him to change or at least meet me halfway on all of this for a month now, and I've seen nothing but laziness, apathy, and disregard for my feelings. I truly want this to work, but I feel like I'm stuck in a very dangerous holding pattern where, if I were to say I wanted to leave now, I would just get screamed at and told that I am giving up.

This is the first time I can say I regret giving this another try.

You don't sound rude. You're right.

That's the plan for now, Up. As I told him on the phone numerous times last night, I really want this to work. I know that we are very different. I know there are a lot of problems. But when we're able to just be together and enjoy each other, there is so much love, affection, and deep connection there. I find that I can forget all of the problems when we are just laying in bed together laughing about nothing it makes me remember why I loved him so much, and how I still might.

I am going to back off this weekend. I started my senior year of college today so things are starting to rev up in terms of my social life, and I plan to take full advantage. It's really up to him to figure out where to go from here.

I think you should back off on what you are putting into the relationship, i.e. sex putting in all the effort, initiating dates etc and see if he meets you half way. If he doesn't well you know where you stand and can go from there. It is way to early in a reconciliation for you two to be taking each other for granted. I do understand taking things slow but make sure its balanced on both sides.

So as I'm sure you're all painfully aware of by now, my ex/ish works as a mover. He has worked everyday from about 7 AM to 8 PM for the last 2 weeks or so, with the exception of Labor Day. This means I haven't seen him much. Today he got off of work at 3 and around 5 I suggested we do something together tonight. He said he was tired, was going to nap, and would let me know.

I was sick of this crap. So I went to a movie with my roommate and got home at 10. He IMed me and we started talking; again I suggested just coming over and staying the night, since apparently he is incapable of asking to see me. I didn't get a response for 10 minutes, then I got "um, i'm going to florida tomorrow." He says an old college friend of his had a friend drop out at the last minute to go to Florida this weekend, and she invited him. This worked out because his boss had called him a few hours before and told him he would have off til Tuesday. How lucky!

I'm pretty upset. I know it's a free vacation and it'll be nice for him to get away, but he's already planned a monthlong trip to the West Coast for October, and I barely get to see him as is. I called him and explained that this sucks under any circumstances, but it's making reconciling way more difficult than it should be. When we were together, going a long time without seeing him was hard, but at least I knew what we had and I could look forward to more of it. Now, I don't know what we have. I don't know what he wants, I don't know if he cares about me truly, and I don't get to see him to help rebuild that.

I really, really don't want this, but I'm having a very hard time getting up the nerve to end it. Whenever I think of a relationship, I don't think of him, I think of the imaginary guy who's perfect for me floating out there in the ether somewhere. This is not the person I want to be with. But I'm having such a hard time letting go of the person that he was, the man that I loved so much. I keep wishing he would become that guy again. I know he never will, but I can't seem to stop hoping.