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HELLO.

I am writing because I need everyone's opinion on something I did.

On New Years Eve I went to a party and met a man. We had lots of fun and danced the night away. For the next several days we talked on the phone about twice a day and went on the first day the following Tuesday.

I have been divorced for over 2 years and this is the first man I have even allowed my self to get physically attracted to. For some reason my feelings started developing really quickly and I thought I felt the same thing from him.

Last Friday night he called two time back to back and left messages on my answering service. The first time he accidentally asked for someone name "liya" instead of my name. He hung up abruptly and then immediately called back. THis time he got the name right and asked me to give him a call back. At this point we had only known each other about 8 days but i was already wildly attracted to him in every way. One reason is because he told me he only wanted one woman in his life, he had been married once and had a duaghter and had not been with anyone in over a year.

Needless to say, I was so angry at him for calling my house asking for another woman. At first I wanted to call back and tell him off in no uncertain terms. But after thinking about it for a while I decided to call him but sweetly and calmly dump him.

I called him and he was so shocked that I picked up on the fact that he at first said another woman's name. He said Tonya is a woman he works with and she was passing by in the hall at the time he called me. I did not believe it but did not fuss with him. I simply told him i hate to have to do it but I can not date men who has another woman. I said it very regrettably and sweetly.

Now after a week he had not called back and neither have I called him. I know that I can never date him now because I feel he mislead me because of what he said before. If I date him now that will be like giving him full permission date another woman because I know it and agree to date him again. So my mind is made up on that and I wont change it. I feel like GOD must have allowed him to make that mistake because my feelings were developing for this man very rapidly. I shudder to think how inconsolable i would have been if this had gone on for a month or 6 months or 2 years. I got out now before it got too late.

My question to everyone is this: Do you think I was too premature in my decision ?

This man and I had only known each other a little over a week and it is too much to ask that he not date any other woman so soon. Did I make a mistake by telling him that I will not go out with him again ?

ALL ADVICE WILL BE WELL TAKEN.

This man and I had only known each other a little over a week and it is too much to ask that he not date any other woman so soon. Did I make a mistake by telling him that I will not go out with him again ?

yes, in my opinion, it is way too soon after a week to ask someone not to be dating anyone else. And yes, I think you jumped the gun.

When you meet someone and go on some dates with them even for a few weeks, maybe even some months, you should ASSUME that he is dating others until you have a conversation that makes it clear he is not. He should also assume you are dating others.

I don't blame you for not knowing this. I was not clued into this dating game for quite some time. I made the mistake with one guy of telling him pretty soon after we met that I hadn't met anyone like him in so long and letting him know that he was the only one in my life. He did not tell me the same. I just didn't GET it, because for me it's really difficult to be interested in more than one person at a time. But especially with the proliferation of internet dating, you must assume he is dating others.

If you are not ok with that, at least for the first few weeks till or till whenever you have that 'exclusivity' conversation, I'm not sure what to tell you. Dating will be hard.

It could have been an honest mistake. Too bad you can't confirm or deny that he was 1) at work that Friday night, 2) that there was a female employee by that name, 3) that they worked in the same office or section together and 4) that they were working within the same time period. But I can still see how it could have happened. You know, the phone rings, your answering machine clicks on, it runs through its message, he gets the beep to leave a message at the same time she walks by and he says "Hi Tonya".

Then again, what are the odds of that sort of timing? And, did it sound like he was talking to someone else (voice a little a bit faint because he kind of has his face turned away from the telephone)? I'm assuming that his voice was loud and clear and that he said her name as clearly as he later said yours on the second call. If I have it wrong, please let me know.

But if I don't have it wrong, then I'd say it was reasonable to be suspicious. I don't like his shock that you picked up on that. He was trying to pretend he didn't make a mistake, regardless of whether he made an honest mistake or not. Playing dumb was a bad idea, even if it happened as he said it did.

There's also the question of just how ready you are to start dating someone again. Combined with that, I'd agree with your choice to not see him anymore.

My question to everyone is this: Do you think I was too premature in my decision ?

Probably.

You had not yet agreed to have his babies. There was no commitment there. It's also possible that he WAS telling the truth. Probably not, but it's possible.

At any rate, I'd say you overreacted. But now you're stuck with your decision. Move on.

I can appreciate how attached you feel. I call it infactuation. Solid relationships tend to slowly spend more time together. Knowing each other as just friends, for a period of time, is really helpful too. This is not to say that it couldn't work, just that it's harder to work it.

I recommend backing off and letting him work on putting the advances on you. Let him know what it is like to miss you, just as you miss being with him.

You only knew him for a little tiny while and are already putting restrictions on him? Yes, it's way too early for that! Maybe he was telling you the truth? You shot him right out of the water without even giving him the benefit of the doubt. What if it was YOU who spaced out and accidentally said the name of someone you were looking at while at work, or the name of your ex husband? You might have blown a good thing by being insecure and untrusting.

Hi,



I think you have done the right thing. Despite what dating rules say, I would have done the same as calling me by another woman's name would make me feel undervalued. Plus if he was really interested in you he would at least make some effort to contact you again after that. I think that you have just saved yourself a broken heart later on.

I am so sorry I am just now replying to your message. I first read it several days ago just after you wrote it.

I feel I made the right decision also but just needed other opinions too. Most people seem to think I acted to hastily. But I am really not into these new dating rituals I needed to be treated special by a man in order to go forward with my feelings for him.

Also If i had not been so attracted to his guy from the beginning I may have gambled more but since my feelings developed so rapidly I had to end it before I get hurt 2 months, 6 months or 2 years down the road. I also do not believe in just letting a relationship go on hoping a man will change. I have known many women wasting their time on that.

But I want to thank you for your support and opinion.

I am so sorry I am just now replying to your message. I first read it several days ago just after you wrote it.

I feel I made the right decision also but just needed other opinions too. Most people seem to think I acted to hastily. But I am really not into these new dating rituals I needed to be treated special by a man in order to go forward with my feelings for him.

Also If i had not been so attracted to his guy from the beginning I may have gambled more but since my feelings developed so rapidly I had to end it before I get hurt 2 months, 6 months or 2 years down the road. I also do not believe in just letting a relationship go on hoping a man will change. I have known many women wasting their time on that.

I did take your advice and back off. I have not even tried to call him after initially telling him I would not see him again. Neither has he tried to call me back at all. To me that is like admitting he has someone else b/c if it had been me, if had no one, I would have at least tried to call to defend myself if nothing else. This man has not tried to call. Some men act like a woman is lucky to have them. I would have guessed not calling him would make him want to call me but after 16 days, he has not. I still think about him because it has been so long since I have wanted someone and I guess I was ravinous.

But I want to thank you for your support and opinion.

I am just now replying to your message. I first read it several days ago just after you wrote it.

I feel I made the right decision also but just needed other opinions too. Most people seem to think I acted to hastily. But I am really not into these new dating rituals I needed to be treated special by a man in order to go forward with my feelings for him.

Also If i had not been so attracted to his guy from the beginning I may have gambled more but since my feelings developed so rapidly I had to end it before I get hurt 2 months, 6 months or 2 years down the road. I also do not believe in just letting a relationship go on hoping a man will change. I have known many women wasting their time on that.

You said something in your message to me about how ready I am to begin dating again. I dont feel I am ready as I thought I was. My feelings are too easily hurt for the dating rituals people do these days. Especially with black men some of them feel they are doing you a favor by dating you and I am not like that; I am a lady.

It has been over 2 weeks now and he had not called nor have I tried to call him. I know if the tables were turned I would have at least tried to call once or twice to explain but the fact that he has not called makes me think he really did have someone else already.