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I've read a lot on this board about people breaking up with their SO's because they want to find themselves, don't know what they want, need space, etc. My question is for dumpers who really do care about the dumpies. If the dumpies went NC and acted like he/she is ok with the breakup, would this make the dumper think that they made the right decision since the dumpies seems to be happy with it? Wouldn't this make the chances of reconciliation slimmer?

If the dumper was breaking up with the dumpee just to have the dumpee plead at their feet, constantly call, and do nothing but sit around and wait for them and these actions would be what made the dumper realize that 'the other person really was worth it,' then it would have been a stupid mind game.

Most of the people that get dumped go NC because they have trouble coping with the pain of having been dumped by someone that they cared about so much.

Going NC should have nothing to do with the feelings of the dumper or 'getting them back', it should, in my opinion, be an option that is pursued in order to give someone time to heal, reflect, and be away from someone who you care about, want to be with, but doesn't want to date you.

If a dumper cares for the dumpee (I've been there) then the best thing the dumper can do is try to be there in whatever non-romantic capacity the dumpee desires...and that includes giving the person who was dumped as much space and time as they need. Why should the focus ever be on what the dumper is feeling? they aren't the one that initiated the pain.

I'd be happier in this situation. Chances of a successful reconciliation are always slim anyway but more so if one party is being hassled by the other.

It's never fun to be broken up with but if the person who is ending thing is truly doing it as a means to take time off and get to know him or herself, it would most likely be beneficial to them to have the person they are ending things with give them the space they are asking for. If the motivation of finding themselves is sincere, the chance of reconciliation stays the same.

Relationships are hard work and take a lot of time and energy and there is also the fact that a person who does not know and love themselves fully cannot know and love someone outside of them self. While painful and heart wrenching (for both parties) sometimes men and women need to take "time off" and look inward. I have a reader who ended an engagement to do just this. She's "miserable" without her "perfect fiance" but she really felt she needed "time to get to know me."

Good Luck

Thanks for the reply. I guess I just wanted reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. I think he's not ready to talk to me. I'm james continue giving him space then.

In my words, the dumper is the "walkaway" and the dumpee is the "one left behind". The dynamic is the same. The Walkaway Spouse who gives the reason for the separation and/or divorce as "trying to find themselves" is the one who seems to be in control of the direction of the relationship. They only seem to be because you have allowed them to gain control by wanting them to come back so intensely.

Explain to them (and yourself) that what they are doing is not in your best interest or in the interest of the relationship and is not acceptable. Let them know that there present mind set (finding themselves) does not fill you with trust. And since they want their "space" so much, communication between the two you will suffer at the present time. Since relationships are based on trust and communication, there is not really one. For all intensive purposes, the relationship is down, for the present moment. Of course, this is easier said than done and you must also believe and realize this truth. How can you have an relationship with someone that excludes from because of their troubled state?

I honestly do not believe that someone can find themselves (whatever that means) more efficiently if they stiffly an intimate relationship and put it on hold until something miraculously clears their mind. To me, for the present time (which is the only one that exists), the relationship is no longer there. Accept it and the suffering dwindles. Through non-acceptance of what is, pain and suffering enter in to the equation. It is true that the relationship could start up again and the ego may desire that, but for the here and now it is down.

This is when the ego of the one left behind seeks the future for its salvation. If I can do this or convince them of that, I can get back what I found so pleasurable in the past. Another error of the ego, seeking emotional and mental identity from the past. If it is not happening right now, it is not happening. This is not to say that the future will not come, it will. It may even turn out just like expected but the expectation is merely an image of the mind projected into the future and therefore not real. It may seem real because of the emotional responses produced by projecting but the only thing real is feeling elicited. But by putting our attention solely in the realm of the future, we have none left for the present. A habit that can be dysfunctional to various degrees. Attention on the present moment will yield a more receptive future as long as the expectation-then-disappointment duo does not pollute your life.

I can understand this if you really don't want to get back together with that person. But what if you still have feelings for the other person? Would you feel the same way?

why do you want to chat with him and see how hes doing? you don't really want that. i cannot stand having "friendships" like that. they're so shallow and completely opposite of what a real friendship is.

im saying that he performed the ultimate in berayal by leaving you. he didnt care about you when he made the decision. and he still isnt showing he cares about you. believe me, i still love MY ex who dumped me nearly 7 months ago. after 3 years. and ive been in NC for about 3 months on and off. but every single time we communicate, it sucks. no one wants a shallow friendship with "hi how are you whats new?".. and then you hear nothing for a few more months. thats not friendship to me, maybe it is to you. why do you want to check up on someone who blatantly has made it clear he doesnt want to pursue anything at all with you? even friendship? i suppose we all want different things out of those who DUMPED us and showed ultimate disconcern for us. im just questioning why you want the small talk.

Thanks for the reply. I do know that the relationship is over. And I'm not expecting him to be back anytime soon. I admit that there's still a part of me that's hoping that he will be back, but I'm not betting on it. I know that I'll be ok either way.

I'm just sad that after an amazing time together, we're cutting each other off of our lives just like that. We don't have to be best friends, but I really would like to chat with him every once in a while to see how he's doing. But it seems that he's not ready for that.