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Hello all, I respect everyones opinions on here very much so I have a question that bothers me alot, It's also a question my ex has asked me but I never could answer it straight.
If you really love someone how can you hurt them over and over? Try to be better one day and then go back to the things that aren't working?
I'm not talking about cheating here or anything. If you were to read my previous posts you will see all our problems were based on my insecurity issues etc.
Just wanna know why that scenario seems true that you always hurt the one you love? Doesn't seem right. Also do you think it's possible to start completely over with an ex as friends and go from there? Let nature take it's course, provided the problems of the past are not being brought up and are being worked on by the offending party? Has anyone ever been able to do this? Any opinions?? Thanks!
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I think to some degree it's self-absorption that causes this problem. Sometimes we are so self involved that it's hard to even step outside ourselves.

It's also true that people are the nastiest to the people they love the most. It has to do with feeling safe, I believe. My daughter does this somewhat. She's just a baby but although she spends most of her time with me and I am her main caregiver, she acts out the most with me and things become battles of will.It's a lot easier for her dad to put her to sleep or change her, for example.I think this is because she feels safe with me and trusts me. She knows that as much as she kicks me I will still be there to care for her. Why she has to kick at all, I don't know the answer to that. Simple immaturity, I suppose.

Well, I was emotionally abusive to a girl that I loved and I didn't even recognize my abusiveness until 3 years after we'd broken up. I didn't even realize what I was doing at the time .

For me, I was too focused on 'having' the one I loved rather than loving the one I loved. ,

Unfortunately, people don't change at the flick of a switch, so I have to agree with that a long separation to reflect is necessary. Even more unfortunate is that even after a long time apart some people will never see the in their ways.

if someone wants to change, or make adjustments to bad habits, it take a lot of thought on there part, and the have to constantly remind themselves to do it. with that, if the person doesn't know what those bad habits are, because of poor communication, then they cant make adjustments.

we cant change who we are, but can make adjustments to bad/annoying habits

I guess it just bothers me, cause my ex always questioned my love because of all the problems that I put on him But I loved him more than anybody in this world.
There's no excuse to hurt someone you love but I was just trying to get some insight as to why.
My ex loved me very very much more than anybody has and I think somehow I thought he could handle half the things, some things I didn't even realize as they became a habit.
I did allot of damage to him and to us, and I'm hoping someday we can reconcile. I have a long road ahead of me and realize I need to let go of the past. That had been my downfall.
SOMEGUY88 did you ever get back with your ex? and did you address and fix your issues? so they didn't happen again?

Ultimately any abuse is about control. Abusing the one you love is about controlling the situation ie "I'm in charge". Love comes in many different forms and there are some who say it can be a form of abuse. For example "I love you so therefore you must love me". People genuinely believe this and cant understand when love is not reciprocated.

Your abandonment issues are born out of previous pains. It is quite normal to feel like this but it does mean that you will want to control future relationships more in case you get hurt again. Unfortunately this actually is not right. The problem is that you keep selecting the wrong partner and you need to find out why that is.

Love hurt Life hurts. True Love is quite possibly the hardest thing to achieve in life some people never achieve it .Its not all plain sailing!

Thanks for all your feedback.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life, and I truly want to put an end to it for good!
I feel so cheated, because I cheated myself out of the life I always wanted but never thought was REALLY possible.
It's ironic cause before I met him I prayed to God to send me the love of my life. I never thought all this would happen as a result.
I realize I need to get rid of the past, it will only hurt me and bring me down again. GO!
Too negative and is counter productive to me and those around me.
I wish so much to have a chance to show him what he REALLY means to me, and to reciprocate 150% all that he has shown and given to me.
I made him feel bad about himself through all of this.
Time is all I have and a I have to have and I am going to have to have a tremendous amount of courage and strength on my part.

I can identify completely with that. It is like an addiction, needs allot of hard work to fix, but admitting it is the hardest part.
I wonder if your friends wife was like that before he married her or she became that way after?

I fixed most of my issues, but it's an ongoing process even after 10 years.

The thing is that I didn't really change until I was over her which took a couple of years for me. I think you really have to want change for yourself first and foremost.

No I never did get back with her.