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My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of months ago. The break-up came out of the blue- we'd had our issues but had talked about working on our communication as our relationship shifted from being at college to a long distance one. At first he said that he wanted to take a break and asked me what that meant. I told him that I didn't know and since he wanted it he needed to decided what he hoped to get out of it. The next day he said he thought we should break up because breaks were unfair. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me. He was sure things would be okay when we were together but when we were a part he had doubts. This, mind you, is immediately following a week's vacation with his family during which he talked constantly about the future, wanting to marry me eventually, and starting a family. We also made plans for me to visit him again soon before I had to go back to school.

I recognized that he was confused and went into NC with him following the break-up and his immature response to a pregnancy scare (bad timing, followed the break-up and a death in my family). I wanted to give him the time and space to figure out what he wanted but also time to get settled in his new job in a new city. It's been hard for me but I've realized how much I love him, despite the way he hurt me with the abrupt break-up. I know what I need to work on and think it would be a waste to throw away a year of love and solid friendship over a week of confusion and erratic behavior.

I sent him a birthday card recently and he sent me an email thanking me and saying that he was still processing what happened between us. He said that he hoped I was doing well and had figured out what I wanted and needed. He didn't say anything specific about our relationship though. He just told me how things were going for him and how stressed he was. He wished me well and that was it-short, kind of formal, but friendly. I wrote him back reminding him not to let his work consume him and find some time for fun and encouraged him to stay in contact with some of our mutual friends who have missed him since our break up. He didn't respond to my email but made contact with those friends after reading it. I know because he mentioned my email to one of the friends.

In my email, I told him that when he was ready he should give me a call so we could talk about what happened between us. When we broke up we said we wanted to be friends and he said some ambiguous things about wanting me in his life and wanting to have a relationship (which could have just meant a friendship).

I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I think this is progress.He's an awkward guy so I wasn't expecting much more from our first communication. But this is progress. Right? No? If he calls how should I proceed?

thanks friends!

I think you have to take him at his word that he's still processing but until you know what's been on his mind- don't get your hopes up. He might not have changed.

BUT he sounds like he'll come around. Maybe he's just freaked out about his own emotions and graduating college and moving on to the next phase. That happens a lot but I've known friends who had their exes come back once they've settled into their new-ish lives.

I just don't know what to say to him if he calls me. I want to let him take the lead and show his cards because he was the one that broke up with me and wanted to be friends but at the same time, I know how his mind works and I feel like I have to let him know I'm open and to some degree interested.

any advice? am I being silly and naive about this?

You aren't going to like what I say, but from my experiences on here, break virtually always = break up - no question about it. I see this flaky behaviour so often and the outcomes are always so similar you could put money on it.

"I love you but I am not in love with you", "It's me, not you", "I don't know what I want". These lines are so common - and meaningless.

The next line that always follows - "I want us to remain friends".

Honey - when someone delivers any of these lines to you, drop everything and run as fast as you can.

Some people are cowards and when they want out of a relationship, they string you along with these lines. It makes things easier on them if they don't have to give a specific reason why they are doing what they are doing. Worse still - they offer the "olive branch" of friendship. Why do thyey do this? It is likely that there are aspects of the relationship they miss and by keeping you hanging on they can use you to get over you - you are a safety net.

If you pull away from this it is likely you will receive messages that try to pull you back in a little - that give you a glimmer of hope.

This really sucks because you literally are left dangling. I got fed the I don't know what I want line and 2 week break. I received all sorts of crazy messages that kept me hanging around hoping - but if i received a message that pulled me and I responded in a positive way - her messsages would become coldfer again. In the end, I had to tell her to only contact me if she wanted to discuss us - I was told I was selfish for that! This is because they try to offload their guilt onto you to try and make themselves feel better.

I wish I had found this site sooner because I wasted a couple of months being strung along - prolonging my pain when I could have seen what was happening and begun my healing all the sooner.

For your own sanity, I would really think about what I have written - and do yourself a favour and let this go. It is as hard as hell but if he really wants you, he will beat your door down.

If you really love someone you cannot wait to be with them - right? Where is he?

How many friends do you have that treat you with such little respect?