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Hi Everyone, I have a situation that is probably common but would like to hear some advice and other opinions. Well first some background, I am 22 and so is my ex girl friend. We have been together for a little over 4 years and spent a lot of time together, pretty much did everything together. She is in her last semester of college and stressing out with all her classes and graduation.

So basically like i said we have done everything together and recently, past few months maybe, i think she has been unhappy with where we are in the relationship. I think she was getting bored and I think we were just so comfortable with each other , there was nothing fresh and new or exciting going on. So i noticed a difference since her friend came down from college, a free spirited party girl. My ex is not like that, but i think she heard how much fun her friend was having that she felt like she was missing out. I think this with all the stress she is under, she stresses out easily and worries a lot about school , contributed to her being unhappy with her life in general. So 4 weeks ago she told me she needed a break, to concentrate on school and to see what she really wants. She was confused about her life, us and everything else going on. She said she still loved me and cared about me and that she didn't want to lose me in her life, but she needs to do this to clear her head and figure out what she wants. She also said she wanted to stay in touch and talk and possibly hang out or do something in the future. The first 2 weeks after it happened, I was a mess, emotionally and physically. It hit me hard and i thought i was losing the love of my life forever. We have met twice face to face and i got all my feelings out and so did she. So I accept that she needs some time, and I can deal with that knowing that we are still talking and have the possibility of getting back together in the near future. We have been best friends for 4 yrs and know everything about one another and i know that doesn't just go away.

Ok, so here is what really bothers me more than her wanting time to herself. It seems that she has been haning out with people from work, people i don't know and in particular a certain guy. She talks to him on the phone, they hang out, usually in a big group though but she has assured me they are just friends and she is not looking for a relationship. She also told this to her mom, who i talked to yesterday. So yes my jealousy has gotten the best of me and made me assume the worse. We talked last week and i asked her if she was doing this b/c she wanted to be with someone else instead of me and she said no, they are just friends and she is just having fun hanging out with him and those other people. I guess if she was really into someone else , she wouldn't bother talking to me anymore, and we still talk almost every day. So overall i think she is seeing whats out there and if she has been missing anything, with the singles scene. Her mom thinks that she will burn out soon b/c this is not really her personality and she is trying to be someone she is not. She has already gotten sick twice in 4 weeks , probably due to lack of sleep, stress at school and doing things she is not use to doing.

So my main question is am i doing the right thing by talking to her, helping her with her school stuff, b/c i am the only one that can help her, and not going NC. I know people will say NC is the way to do but i tried that for a week and she didn't call me b/c she thought i was over it and didnt want to talk to her. So i told her this isn't the case and she said she still does want to talk to me, b/c she cares about me. She just says she needs time and then we can talk again and re-evaluate where we are at. I am guessing sometime next month. So should i stay on this course? I know i shouldn't wait around like a lost puppy, and i am tryin to go out with friends and do stuff to keep my mind occupied. so any opinions? i dont want to lose her and i love her to death , i want to be with her forever and i want to show her i have used this time to really look back and realize what i can do better and we can do better in the relationship. So i am not givin up on her, she knows what i want, so basically all i can do is give her the time she wants and then see where we are at? and then go from there?

I am going thru the same thing bud. As of right now You guys are over I don't mean to sound harsh, but she is just keeping you on a string.She is probebly casually dating the other guy, to see what else is out there But keeping you at an arms length in case things don't work out.

I personally don't think you should talk to her, for now, at all She wants to see if she's missing out on anything, but being able to talk to you all the time doesn't make her miss you at all.Why would she come back to you if you never left? You have to move on for now, and give her space.Otherwise you are just james be her crutch until she is fully over you.The that leaves you screwed up.If she loves you and wants to be with you she will come back to you.

Thanks for your post, i know what you are saying about it being over for now. its just confusing the hell out of me b/c she says she just needs time but doesn't want cut all contact. I mean I know how she is, and if she doesn't want to deal with someone, she will cut them out of her life. So i am glad that she has not done this with me, she still wants to talk to me and eventually soon maybe hang out and do something. There is stil something between us and she knows it, I think there is just a part of her wanting to try to be different and try new things. So I am willing to give her this time, its already been a month, so maybe another month or so, and see where we are at then adn then talk about it. I am not waiting around for her and i am trying to go out and do other things to keep myself occupied. I don't want her to think i am siting at home all weekend waiting for her call. So basically I don't want to rush anything and push her to make a decision and i think telling her that i am not going to call her or for her not to call me until she knows what she wants will not help with anything. I have already gone through the hardest time , the first 2 weeks were really hard until i sat down and talked to her about everything. I am just tyring to play it cool , give her space and let her think about what she is missing. In the end i may get hurt even more, but i think its worth it b/c i really do love her and want a chance to show her how things will be better. WEll i know many people wont agree with me and think that i should go NC right away, but its definitely easier said than done. WEll thanks again

I would go NC, telling her would be a good Idea if it makes you feel better .Just tell her you need time for yourself, to be able to heal.Let her know not to call you until she knows what she wants Say it nice, but don't back down from that.

I agree with hopeless66. I am going through a similar situation with my ex(?) gf of 5.5 years (I'm 28, she's 26). We've been on a break initiated by her (to "find" herself), but she's called me a couple times to say how much she "misses me." This happened most recently on Monday.

I got suckered into thinking/assuming things are getting better because we had a nice conversation, and just casually called her a couple days later. It started fine, but then we got to talking about the relationship and she ended up saying that we needed to "break up" because the break wasn't working. She said we were always talking to each other.

That's when I realized that NC was the best thing for me. She's confused , and I finally realized that I can't help her find whatever it is she's looking for. I just ended the conversation saying, "I really hope you find what you're looking for. If you ever do, you know how to contact me Bye."

It's very difficult, but I'm learning to accept, forgive, let go, and move on.For starters, go read every thread by SuperDave71. I wish I had listened to his advice much sooner.

I understand what you are all saying, and it sounds great. Just actually doing it is difficult for me. We are very close and know everything about one another, and i know the type of person she is. She is very stressed right now with all her classes and the threat of not graduating in December. I have been through this and helped her in the past. I don't want to turn my back on her now when she needs help with anything and make her think that i am not there for her. She is going through a stressful time, and i know she over-stresses and worries. At the end of the day she knows that i truly care about her and love her more than anyone out there. She says that once she is able to clear her head and have time to think, we will be able to talk, and see what happens in the future with us. I tried the NC thing, didnt call her for a week, and she didnt call me. I finally called her bc i couldnt take it and she was suprised i hadn't called her and thought that i was getting over it and moving on. I was not, and have not, and she knows i want to be with her. I have given her space, and havent seen her in almost 3 weeks. She even said maybe soon we can hang out or do something. I don't want to push her even farther away then she is now, b/c i fear then she will get use to not talking or being around me and make it easier to jump to someone else. She has told me she wants to stay in touch and that with time she will be able to think about us and then i can tell her the things i have realized about our past and what can be improved. I know that we can be happy together and were for most of the 4 years. There have just been some things that i didn't do and got comfortable with, that may have led to a "rut" we got into. So i am hopeful b/c she hasn't shut me out, hasn't lied to me, and just needs time. I am willing to give her some time, knowing that it may make us both stronger and realize we are right for each other. In the long-term picture, this is the girl i want to marry and be with forever so i am not going to give up b/c of a bump in the road. A big bump it is, but i think we can overcome it. I know you all may think i am blinded by love, and i may be, but if i don't try then i will always wonder, what if? I know myself and I know her, and i think with some time apart, we can come back together stronger. Once i know its over for good, then i will move on, probably in more pain, but for now, that is not the case. I may be setting myself up for dissapointment, but I know this girl and I know the type of love and connection we had and still have. I just need the chance to show her i am that guy she fell in love with , and that i will never take her for-granted again.

Simple as. You and anyone else in this situation is being strung along as a safety net, should "finding herself" not work out. Word to the wise "finding herself" usually translates as finding someone else or a succession of someone elses. They've essentially lost that "spark" for you. Spark attraction enough to sleep with you. Or they have found or think they'll find that "spark" with someone else.

Like I wrote in another thread, it's largely down to the novelty and physical attraction wearing off when they think of you. They still may love you, but in a more longterm emotional way. Maturity teaches us that this happens to a greater or lesser extent in any longterm relationship, to be replaced by that intimacy that is better than the novelty of the new and unexplored.

As I also wrote, if you think it's not based on the physical? Look at it this way, when someone(especially women) split up with you they usually ask to remain friends, they almost never ask not to be friends but let's keep having sex, do they? See what I mean?

Where you are now is in the comfort zone for them. They get the best of both worlds, the spark with others and the comfort from you. Let them live life without that comfort and see where it takes them. The longer you remain "there for them" the more likely they'll get it on long term with another. As someone else pointed out in another thread, the longer the ex stays around as a comfort, the more likely the rebound stops being a rebound. Don't be a helping hand to someone who made the decision to walk out on you and then expects you to hold their hand until someone else takes over that job.

Fair enough, but currently she's taking it "for granted" that you'll be there no matter what as a safety net. She knows you'll stick around no matter what. She may not be able to put that into words, but trust me that's what's happening. How do you change that? By not being so available and when you do interact or meet with her, be more like the man she wanted, but be strong , be upbeat and do not rake over the coals of the old relationship. Sounds counter intuitive? It is and it's why most couples don't get back together, because they do the "intuitive" thing. Let her miss you before you show her what's she's missing.

I like what you said here, it really makes sense and I know it is something i can do and want to do. When we do talk i am not bringing up our relationship or anything like that b/c she already told me she is not ready yet to talk about that. So we talk as friends and maybe in the near future , do something together as friends. And just to let you know, I am not waiting around like a puppy dog, i may be inside, but she knows i have been going out and doing things without her, to her suprise. She saw pictures on my friends facebook page from a few weekends ago, and she mentioned it and seem suprised that i was out. So I thank you for your advice. It is really hard to hold back and keep my feelings inside for now, but i know the time will come where i will be able to tell her and show her everything i feel. its just being patient and waiting for that time w/out losing my mind that is the hard part. I know that in the long-term, i dont want to push her now and make her pull back even farther away. I know she is the love of my life, and i won't give up, just i know i need to wait for the right time or risk losing it all.

Another question, yesterday she called me in the morning to my suprise. I called her in the afternoon after work but she did not answer, she has been sick so she may have been resting. Usually on the weekends she hasn't called me much or at all. So since i was the last to call her, and she hasn't responded, I should not call her at all until she returns my call right? We agreed that we would call each other when we want , and she told me that its ok for me to call her and it doesn't bother her or invade her space. But i don't want to seem like i am always calling her, but also dont want to make her seem like she always has to call me. So i shouldnt call her again until i hear from her again? I am probably making this more confusing than necessary. I know if she calls me then she is thinking of me at least. Wow i really overanlyze things, sorry i am at work and have nothing better to do. Well thanks for all your help!

I would say let her call you and occasionally you call her. If you're mathematically minded think of it as a vague ratio 3 to 1. You being the 1. That should set the tone.