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Hi, all.


Together 9 months, but broke up several times because I couldn't understand why she seemed to not be into me - got back after it was clear she was (she's shy and very scared of getting hurt). But then she dumped me in Feb after having her heart constantly broken. We were still close for a while, even while she was with a rebound, up until June or July. I was very hurt by the rebound thing, as there were pics on the Internet of her being very affectionate to him very quickly, when she wasn't like that with me. We both believe that we are almost perfect for each other: she if it weren't for the wall around her heart, and me if it weren't for the way I used to react to that.

I had therapy, read some great books, and now understand her so much better. She works with me now, very closely (only three in the organization, her office is my living room, she wakes me in the morning by walking into my room, and she uses my shower, etc. We spend a lot of time each day working closely together). It's been great, as I have changed, and so has she. We laugh a lot, love our work, and enjoy each other's company. She stayed over once (on the sofa), and I even stayed at hers (at the foot of her bed ). She trusts me now (leaves her phone lying around after she once caught me looking at her messages, and she lets me massage her, in all but the very most intimate places). Her cats now live with me, and her dog stays sometimes too. I am happy, and so is she. We're getting on far better than we ever have before, and I'm loving that.

I should add that her mother was killed in an accident a month ago, rest her soul. The ex was travelling before starting work with us, and had to cut short the trip. I knew she was at least visiting the rebound (he lives far away), and I was cool with it, even looking after the cats while she went, as I wanted to rebuild our friendhship because our relationship had really started to disintegrate. This terrible incident may have softened her a bit, as she seems so much easier to get along with, but she is also very upset about it still. I'm doing all I can (maybe too much) to help her feel better.

Everything has been great, but there was an incident tonight and I would very much appreciate your advice on what I should do now. Her phone was beside me while we were at a dinner. A message arrived, and as I picked the phone up to give to her, I saw it was from the rebound guy. I was deeply hurt by her relationship with him, and my heart started racing when I saw the name. I said I thought she didn't see him any more, and she said that they were still friends. It's very possible that she visited him on that trip just as a friend. It's also possible that maybe she didn't. But it's not my business.

She started texting him back, and I saw that she was asking how he would arrive and something about meeting later. I went cold. I shouldn't have looked. I went quiet, didn't want to talk to her, and started thinking where he might stay and wondering if the extra toothbrush in her bathroom might provide a clue. I left for my evening job. I had to call her to remind her to do an errand on her way home, and I told her I was disappointed that she had mislead me about not seeing anyone (I had asked her recently, as we are getting fairly close again, and she said no). I wasn't rude, or angry, or swearing. She explained that he wasn't staying with her, he was just a friend, he was visiting his friends, and that he would stay with them. I mentioned that I was pretty sure she stayed with him recently. She then started getting angry and saying (rightly) that she doesn't have to explain anything to me and then put the phone down.

Now I'm thinking I may be out of line, that I should not have said anything, and that I may have just damaged our relationship (I want to get back with this woman - I love her to bits and believe she is the one for me). But I'm also thinking that maybe I'm right, and considering we have been getting quite close, and she has been accepting gifts and favours from me, she should be more honest with me if she is seeing someone else.

What do you think? And, more importantly, what do you think I should do now? I'm thinking of sending a message saying that, if I was wrong, then I sincerely apologise, and that it is indeed none of my business and she has no need to explain to me. Is that a good idea? Should I also ask her to be honest with me? Or should I let her know that I trust her (I do, really, but I'm a little paranoid about this guy - it was a very painful time for me when she went off with him). Or should I do nothing and let her come to me? I want to win her back, but I also don't want to be taken for a fool or set up to be hurt again (though it would be my own fault if I was, I guess).

It's nearly midnight here, so if I'm going to say something, I need to do it soon.

As you are not a couple she is correct. You have no right to snoop. Take it from me I have had trust issues with my wife and was snooping all the time and it got me no where but more pain. If you want to rebuild the releationship then you need to trust her as she is trying to trust you (wich you might have just set back). Yes say your sorry and tell her you know you were wrong but talk it out do not get upset or angry as it will do no good. And no more snooping the cost is not always worth it.

I want to see if you do really trust her. I mean truly. I could be wrong but what does your gut say because your gut is usually right. Sometime we car about sooo much that we silence our own voice

I think you are in limbo with this relationship - what is in it for you?

Unless there is a chance of getting back together in a proper relationship I would make arrangements as soon as possible to sever the business relationship as well as the personal relationship - it is not helping you at all. You need to move on and the current arrangements are impeding that.

So her job is in your house? More detail needed.

My gut so far is that she is stringing you along throwing out crumbs and fully involved with the other guy while you wait around. She can't do this if you don't let her.

I run an organization and I live above it. The office is out of action for a while, so she uses my living room or dining room for now.

Well, let's not sever all ties just yet. As I said, we've been getting on great. Really great. Very happy. Imagine if the other guy had posted - would you be telling him that she's obviously still in love with me and he should forget her and leave her to me?

I have no way of knowing if she's being honest other than doing something dishonest myself, by spying on her in some way. But I worked out she probably last saw him a month ago, and that's exactly what she said tonight, so I beleive she's telling the truth. He's really not her type, and I really am (she has told me so herself and also her friends). For one, he drinks like a college student, and she is very much against that, as that's how her mother died. We share the same dreams, sense of humour, loves, etc. I'm in a good position here to win her back, and I'm not prepared to throw that away because she might be lying. I'll trust her until I have reason not to.

I already sent a text saying that if I'm wrong, I apologise, and that it is none of my business (which it isn't). So how should I behave from here? As before? But perhaps with a little less giving and availability? It's all me making effort and her lapping it up right now, as we all would. Is it time for me to cool off and pull back a bit? Would that be the best policy? And not mention this incident, and stop asking her her plans for the evening from now on?

If the other guy came on here and said crapatnc has a toothbrush in her house, that would be all I'd need to hear.

It matters not one whit whether they are the right "type" for each other, when people are infatuated this is the last thing that matters. Not saying there's something going on, but it looks fishy.

Working with her is probably a bad place for you to be, as she can get emotional support from you whenever she wants while pursuing romance with someone else. It is an extremely common theme here. You sound like you have your eyes open, and are thinking clearly, though. Best wishes.

You are indeed in a tight spot here and I'll give you my 2 cents.

I really think that you need to decide once and for all If you want her as a friend or a lover and I think you already know the answer to that one.

If you can stay with her and work with her and truly act like and be her friend, that's one thing. But, if you want more from this than she's willing to give you, then you are acting like a chump and you need to re-think your entire relationship with her.

I'm not trying to sound negative or put you down, but that's simply my opinion.

I tryly wish you and her the best,

All opinions are much appreciated - really!

I do want more from her, and maybe I am being a chump. I feel I have worked my way back into her heart recently, but how far I don't know. She is relaxed around me, and we are doing more fun things together, though gets 'cold feet' at times when friendly dates seem to be heading in a more romantic direction. That may be her not wanting to be with me, or it may be her uncertainty, or it may be her avoiding being hurt by me again.

I do have to rethink my relationship with her - you're right. I'm just not sure how to go about it. A good friend has told me I should just back off a little right now and give her the space to think things through herself, and to show her true feelings for me (instead of just reacting to my lead all the time). I have already accepted that we may never be together again, and I can handle that. I can also handle her having a new boyfriend - of course, it will still cause some pangs of anxiety or jealousy or stress, but apart from me merely telling her that I was disappointed about being mislead, nothing bad has happened. No destructive behaviour; no sleepless nights (I slept fine last night); nothing.

Really appreciate all your feedback - it's an uncertain time for me, and I'm grateful for the advice and reality check.

Well, we sorted out that little argument very quickly and very easily, and I believed everything she said about this guy just being a friend now and that, although he was visiting from out of town, he'd be staying with his friends.

We had a lovely and very fun few days at work. I, being the over-zealous idiot that I am, gave her a lift home last night and to pick up her dog, who I was to look after while she went abroad for a few days. It was a great night. She's very sharing these days. I had asked her a couple of hours previous if she could ever love me again, as we'd been getting along so well, and she didn't say no, and looked very happy that I'd asked.

I used the bathroom at her house. The tissues ran out, so I opened the bin to throw the empty packet in ... and saw the instructions from a box of condoms, which must have been put there a few days previous, when the rebound "friend" was "staying at his friend's house".

It was a horrible feeling, to see that, but not as bad as I thought it would be. The overwhelming emotion that hit me wasn't jealousy, but disgust that she had lied to me again, even though I had told her I was cool with her having someone else, but please don't lie to me any more, as lies kill relationships, including friendships.

I walked out of the bathroom, showed her what I'd found, and left. It was 2.30 am, and she was to leave for the airport at 5 for her trip. I left the dog with her. Then I drove home and got her cats, and gave them back to her at about 3.30. I told her that there are consequences to lying, to tricking one's friends, to manipulating people, and left her to it. I'm the only one who looks after her pets when she goes away, and she had to cancel the trip and lose the $600 she had paid for the tickets.

I don't feel bad. I feel good. I am not going to be walked over any more, or lied to, or cheated. It's only now I can truly say that I deserve better than that. She's not the one for me. The woman for me is honest, and loving, and faithful, loving, and happy. I'm moving on.

Thanks for all the advice. You naysayers apologized for suggesting this scenario, but you were right to do so. I hope I can learn from this and show a little more dignity when women try to string me along again. I won't stand for it any more.