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The mind of an abuser

What do you think? does an aduser go into a relationship with the intention of one day abusing that person or is it something that they are unable to control themselves and they truly do go into the relationship with the best intentions??


NO this is not a self pitty treat (the last on got deleted) I just am wondering myself what the answer is wanted to put it on the table.

An abuser absolutely doesn't see anything wrong with what they do! They either see it as appropriate "punishment" or something they were driven to do, but never see it as anything but defensible. Just as rape isn't really about sex, it's about fear and control, abusers get the same thing from hitting or degrading another.

I was married to an abuser for a very long time. It is all about control! Someone told me to read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans and I will say that this book helped set me free! That and my faith in God. Most women because of having a loving heart, want to believe the best in people. That was me...always giving him another chance and another and another. Abuse was not his only addiction by the way. I have read tons of self help books since this marriage ended and have soul searched a lot. What I can tell you is this, once a snake, always a snake! These kind of people, outside of a miracle will never change. It is a thing in them which is extremely low self esteem. They beat others down to build themselves up. And do they care who they beat down or how far down they beat you? The anser is NO! The deal is, and what I have learned is that it is ALL about THEM!! Take that for a big clue! These kind of people will suck the life out of you. I came close to that. I finally had to see that all my efforts would not change a thing. These people will not change because what they do...works for them! Again, it is all about THEM and they have to win! There is never a win win with someone like that. If you are connected to someone like that, trust me, you will loose! EVERY TIME! Don't stick around to see! If you saw a snake, what would you do?? RUN is the answer if you are smart. Same thing here...RUN!! Fast and furious get out of their road and life. And your life will be tons better! Trust me I know! I have seen it happen to so many others as well. Trust me, ask God for help, and run!

i think they go into the relationship with the idea that they will be able to mold you into what is in their mind the ideal partner,which is why they tend to present themselves as mr/ms wonderful in the beginning (whats commonly known as the honeymoon phase).they tend to believe that a relationship is supposed to be the unconditional compliance and submission of another person.control of another human being is often a means to compensate for inadequacies for an abusive person.when something happens that challenges this, the abusive behavior tends to manifest .they tend to believe that the problem is not their behavior but your unwillingness to comply with what they think they are entitled to.thats why they always cast themselves as the innocent victim in the dramatic reenactment.their detachment from reality and basic codes of civilized conduct cause them to believe that they werent going to do it but you made them do it.through no fault of their own.even though the pattern repeats in every relationship they have.they are convinced that the other person forces them to behave like this. against thier will. how could it possibly be them.its just that everyone they have ever met makes them be abusive.so you see ,the world is out to get them and make them do bad things that they would never do without being forced to, ergo, its everyones fault but theyre own.

GREAT QUESTION!
Those who cannot receive attract those who cannot give.
If you undervalue who you are, the world undervalues what you do.

Action follows thought
All roads lead back to the heart.

Well depending on your age baby, and you do look young most teenage or young adult males up to 21 are rather prone to hormonal response than to responsibility. We do not have the maturity or experience to relate to life some do but for the mostgetting laid is the big thing and the getting laid if they keep coming back is number two some guys become possesive or jealous and this leads to actions not usually understood all abuse is wrong if it is physical, emotional, sexual, financial or anything that you dont mutually share with confidence and trust, it is wrong I would consider a new boyfriend sometimes bad things do happen and if you are already intelligent and mature enough to question this, then be your own answer by trusting your instincts and being someplace with someone that feels great all the time.

abusers dont even consider what they are doin as abuse in fact, they often portray themselves as victims of abuse just goes ta show ya how misguided they often are.so, no, i dont think they go into a relationship intendin ta abuse.it just their way of makin everythin right by controllin everything, partners included.

My ex is married to an abuser he's been jailed multiple times she still will not leave him. As ladydi8 stated, they portray themselves as the victim. He blames everything and everyone for his outbursts.

Also, as another poster stated, it takes nothing short of a miracle for these type to change. My ex's husband is still very arrogant, controlling and very much a "wimp". I have no use for him and I'm not intimidated by him that really pisses him off - especially when I tell him to "shut up."

Abusers are abusers well before any relationship begins. Unfortunately, some women don't see/heed the signs until it is too late.

The typical abuser isn't someone who thinks about anyone else. They don't understand empathy. Abusers tend to be single-minded individuals focused finding, getting and keeping what they want, nothing else matters. They only apologize and fake guilt and promise not to do it again to get the person back, only to abuse them again. It's the way their head is wired. They tend to be sociopathic which means they are the most important person in their world and they are their own "god". They will have no quibble at scoffing at or breaking the law if they don't think it serves their purpose. All they know to do is to feed their own wants and desires, period

They've been abused themselves in some way, shape or form. It's the kind of behavior that they know to be "normal".

Whether they were mentally or physically abused as a child (or adult) something has taught them this behavior. Or had some traumatic experience as such.

This is what they know to be appropriate behavior. Obviously, it's not.

Run, do not walk from someone like that!