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After all that has happened and you know things will never be the same do you think there is a chance in getting back together?

I guess I'm at a cross roads and I need some help.

We have been broken up for a couple months now and I have been through so much. I have been seeking therapy for some time now and I went through the whole grieving process and finally got my life back together again.

I admit I do miss him at times and we went NC and now we are back to gaining our friendship back. My friendship with him is important but I don't want to gain feelings again. I don't want to fall back to our old ways and pretend that nothing has happened and start over again. I'm tired of starting over and I don't want to pick up things from where they were because where they were left of pretty crappy.

I am learning a lot from being on my own and know now that I deserve better. Sometimes he says he misses me and does wish we could go back but we both know that things will never be the same. Never be the same because he can't get past everything that has happened and my feelings are still hurt from what has happened.

I know I'm on a road to improving myself and wish he would be too. I am learning how to better communicate for my next relationship but sometimes I wish we could start over with him. Sometimes my heart takes over and I miss hm what can I say I'm human.

If so much has changed do you think there is a chance or should I stop daydreaming. My daydream is that we can get past things and rebuild and maybe go to therapy together and see if there is a chance to save this. But I wake up and my head is back on straight and I remember all the hurt and the pain and know I shouldn't ever turn back.

I need some help let me know what you think.

Thanks In Advance,

You already sound like you are pretty much sorted out yourself. Your post makes it clear that taking care of yourself is a priority and you want to get that right. I think its flantastic you are thinkin on these lines.

I don't wanna give you any advice coz I too am strugglin with things. I have been a big advocate of NC and I wud sugest the same. I think if and when the thoughts come to you, let them come, don't associate yourself with them, don't identify with the missin or contacting the EX thoughts. They are like clouds, they come and they go.

I am sure you'll be much better in the coming days if you don't try to associate his company with anything more than friendship. You are pretty much sorted now, pls keep moving ahead. don't sabotage this progress!

Well, I don't think you're really over him yet. You still seem upset about it, so my suggestion would be is to hold contact off for a little while longer. Just to reasure yourself that you're completely over him.

You gotta so far since your break up. You got your life back together and everything. Don't fall back into your old ways. If you so much as think you will then back off

Thanks Guys,

I have been just working on myself. We have been in NC and now living our own lives no longer dependent on eachother. Now we are trying to salvage what's left of our friendship. He still remains my bestfriend and every now and then the nostalgia perfume hits me and I get a sniff of it and quickly get hit by reality. I know I'm not fully over it and need more time to get over it.. that's where Therapy has taken a big part of my life.

I will continue to push forward and live my life but thanks for the advice I will keep in mind to back off more when I step into the fire.

You sound like a very strong woman, good for you for rebuilding yourself and learning from your past relationships to prepare for a better relationship in the future. Thats really all we can do right
it sounds like you already know that the damage has been done, and it's time to move on thats why i think you and him need longer time apart then 2 months.

I think you should stop daydreaming and come back down to reality.

To answer your question, I think it is possible to get back together when you know things will never be the same, but it will only work if both parties RECOGNIZE it WON'T be the same and both must be okay with this. Both must realize things will be different, but different doesn't necessarily equal not as good as before.

If someone in the relationship keeps holding onto what happened before, or comparing the way things are now to the way they were, the bird simply won't fly. Both will have to let go and essentially learn to trust again. The bigger question to me is do both parties still see enough desirable qualities in one another to go again?

As for your particular situation, you have explicitly said you are tired of starting over. I think the only way for it to work essentially "starting over" ..letting go of the hard times & the specific way things were. You have said you are still hurt. I don't think you could ever be in a relationship with someone who has hurt you because there will be bitterness, fear, and a lack of trust.

Give yourself some time, continue on this amazing path you have found, and if you and this guy are truly right for one another it will happen organically. And then you won't have to ask us here at mozunk.

Excellent post! I totally agree. I think people are too quick to say that if someone hurts you and the relationship ends, you can never go back. Of course the relationship will never be the same because having learned valuable lessons from the first time, hopefully both sides will strive to make it EVEN BETTER than the first time around. See how the friendship goe from friendship the relationship could get back on track but both of you have to let go of the past in order to make a new relationship work. Don't rush things give it time let things develop as they will.

Thanks for telling me I sound like a strong woman. I am trying to after all that has happened if not I'd just break down. Everyone tells me it's too early to start a friendship with him. But we both agree it needs to happen some time why not sooner than later. But I do know why people say we need more time because we still at times bring up the past. But now we have set boundaries. No more talking about the past. All that is left is our friendship and not a relationship so we want to work at that.

Thanks for the post and I will keep in mind once again.

havefait & crazyaboutdogs,

Thanks so much for being soo positive. I guess I just have to see where it goes. If the friendship will build to more and if it doesn't I shouldn't have expectations of it. I guess what I meant by not wanting to start over is that I don't want start from square one. We were together for 9 years before and I wanted to spend my life and marry this guy.

I try and tell myself as a security wall " I'll never take him back unless he wanted to marry me"

because I don't think he is ready for that and I don't think he is ready to rebuild our relationship he is liking his freedom too much and so am I.

I am starting to realize that my life can move on without him but you are right in the sense of "make it EVEN BETTER than the first time around".

the part of me that daydreams about that fairytale is someday when we are both settled he comes to me and tells me he can't live his life without me but you are right that we would have to let go of the past. I don't know if I can do that yet. I need to heal more. By healing I need to let it go and not let it hurt me and continue to live my life without him.

I am working on my Masters as he is finishing up his Bachelors. Everyone tells me we are on different paths but heading towards the same goal and that someday our love will bring us together. I guess I will have to see if that is true.

Thanks for the awesome post. This is why I go here for people who give such great advice. anything other posts will be greatly appreciated.

Girl, you are right on! You've got your head totally on straight here. GREAT for you.

If it helps you at all, my boyfriend & I have been through something similar. We broke up kind of randomly and it forced me to think about sooo many things and really reassess my whole life. I realized the IMPORTANCE of living for myself!

We were only apart for a couple days when we realized if we were going to have this relationship work, we could not put a band-aid on this one. We got back into things slowly and are still kind of easing in, even after 2 months post getting back together. I can tell you the two of us REALLY run into trouble when we dwell on the hard times or compare today's fun to yesterday's fun.

The good news is our relationship is evolving into something great, I think we have stopped throwing around "I love you"s and instead worked on spending more time getting to know our own selves. Somehow, this has enabled us to be more open and secure with one another.

I don't know if this will work out for me & him because like you said I don't know if things will ever be the same but all I can do is take care of myself and see where things go.

Have faith! It can happen, but as I like to say, build your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.