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OK. I just wanted to start off by saying that although I saw my ex this weekend, I have realized that I have made ENORMOUS progress and is strong enough not to go backwards. I just want him to be OK.

I saw my ex this weekend - he broke one month of NC because he wanted to return my things. He never ended up bringing my things because he was planting a seed to have another chance to see me again. Seeing him made me realize just how much further along in the healing process I am then he is. We went to grab a bite and I kept things very light. I talked about new things, my new job, new tv shows, new whatever that I like. Things that didn't connect with our relationship. I know that I could talk about it, I just wasn't sure he could.

Over our meal he started saying, "The reason why I asked you out was because I just wanted to tell you that I got a 6-12 month contract job offer in London. I'm not sure if I'm going to take it because there is just so many family problems going on right now but I just wanted to let you know and see how you thought/feel about it?" I just responded that "Going to London for a year or so will be an amazing experience for you. You've always wanted to go and it really doesn't matter what I feel or think about the situation because it's a great opportunity". He then started talking about our relationship and how he wanted some kind of closure. But he kept going back and forth. I know that I made it a point where if he was feeling out the situation I seemed very strong on my feet - which I am. I've been hurt and I am definitely doing my best to move on from this. He kept going back and forth with "I need this as a closure" to a "I regret what I did but I know because of the way things are and that you're happy right now that this might be for the best". I agreed that right now it's for the best. And he kept on saying "For some reason it's weird because I know we're over right now but I still can't believe that it's over. It doesn't feel like it's completely over." and I just said "what do you mean?" and he's just like "well, we're doing things for ourselves but we know we're not wanting to meet other people and it's like why can't we be together then". I just didn't answer.

Basically it turned into a night where he showed more emotion then I've ever seen him show. He had tears . He's told me he felt regret. He's told me he was on anti-depressants.

I know I won't be contacting him anytime soon because he needs to get himself together. He's never outright said that he wanted things to work, he just put little tidbits out there.

I guess the reason why I'm sad right now is because there's a part of me who still wants to be the one who helps him when he's down. But I know I can't do that.I can't be his friend. I can't be that person he runs to. I can't be his security blanket.

I know when we first broke up I pulled the sympathy card too because It was my idea of getting some emotion out of him so maybe he could see how much he meant to me.

Do people usually pull the sympathy card as part of their process to try and get their ex back?

In a way, although the feelings and emotions are uncomfortable, this is a very comfortable situation for you. The worse off he is, the more he shows emotion, the more he shows regret, the more you know he still wants you, the more of a wreck he becomes... the stronger, more sure, more confident you become in return.

That's how these things work. He's giving you everything you need to feel strong, independent, and ok with it all. You have the power, and you know it. He cannot get to you, or make you feel off-balance, or make you doubt yourself. This is one of the main reasons why, although I'm sure you care about him, you have no current interest in dating him again.

For whatever reason, when we know that our ex's are a mess, and we know that they are openly pining for us, it brings comfort. Do you think it's an accident that you point out in your post how well you're doing compared to how poorly he's doing? Pointing out things like his depression, that he's "pulling the sympathy card", etc. All of this makes you feel strong. It's not that you want him to feel sad and depressed, but it's reassuring for you that he's not already out there falling in love with someone knew, forgetting all about you, and moving on like it's no big deal. For the ego, you've got it made.

Yes, this is very common, but it never works long term.

Sympathy elicits guilt which is a very powerful motivator. The only problem is, it never works and people feel very manipulated by it.

By playing the guilt card, you will simply make things worse. They may come back for a while, but it won't last.

Good luck to you.

I thought about that. I thought about what if he came crawling back in tears that I would feel great. But honestly, I don't. I mean, for the beginning of our break up he put up a huge front and it killed me. To think only two days after our break up that he was doing well.

I think I made that a point to feel OK is because I worked so damn hard to be where I am right now and I don't want to go back. For the first time in a long time I felt independent and it's not because of him it's because I made a change. And I think I'm really frustrated if this is his way in trying to "win me back" without being straight up with me.

so let's say he can read your mind and he's "straight up with you". What if he comes up to you tomorrow and say, "Listen, I just need to tell you that I miss you, that I love you, and that I want you back in my life again. I want you to be my girlfriend." If he says that, then what?

I would say that there will always be an opportunity for us to work out. I haven't written off our relationship either. I'm not taking this break up as time to look for someone else but really just maximizing the time that I have to focus on me. It's obvious that I miss you too and that I still care deeply but there are a lot of issues that you still need to address. Our big problem is that whenever we get into arguments you just leave you never once taken our break ups seriously because you were playing this game. This time you know it's serious and although a part of me is happy that you've taken action without any guarantee's and taken responsibility, I need to feel that you're able to deal with problems better now.


For me, there is always a part of me that's going to hope that we can work out. But like people say "hope starts to fade when you start healing" and for me that hope of him changing is starting to fade. I don't want to sound like a b*tch but I feel as though he needs to prove to me that he's changed.

I think if you feel this way you need to break off all contact, because I kind of got the feeling jettison did - that you are absorbing his weakness to feel stronger and like Jeffster said that is going to be temporary.

If you truly have realized he is not going to change and he is hanging on like this then the true reflection of a strong person would be to break contact. All contact.

I was planning on doing the jercy again anyway. I know he's upset and there's nothing I can do to help him. I can't be his friend because it wouldn't help him to still rely on me that way.

I guess I just want him to be someone he can't be right now. I would try again if he was able to work on his issues. It just frustrates me that he can tell me how depressed he is but not make a step forward in actually changing it.

I feel a lot of empathy because I hurt with him. I'm just frustrated because even if I did want to work things out, he's always going to just play it safe. He's just going to wait for me to make the first move. And I'm tired of that.