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I'd had an on off but very loving 5 year relationship with a woman in her late 30's. I was never able to jump the final commitment hurdle and set up home with her although I wanted too (my baggage from previous rel.) 9 months ago she got drunk in public and made a real ass of herself and embarressed me (this had happened before on occasion.) Long story short, I walked and resolved to never go back although I did explain why.

Now for the strange part: for the past 9 months she's constantly sent me text messages saying she loves me, phoned my home, asks people we know if I've met anyone else (which I havn't.), asks if we can talk, do I love her, etc. In all this time I've done nothing to encourage her - have had to maintain minimum contact because she owes me some money. I still have feelings for her and recently they've grown stronger to the point where I've considered trying again.

I then replied to one of her texts, sounding out the waters by letting her know I still love her and asked her if she wanted to meet and talk. Initially she said yes, then changed her mind and said we should move on and that that was her final decision. I went Jercy again but within a day she suggested we meet and even named the time and place. There followed a couple of days of friendly texts between us and I spoke to her on the phone. At the last minute she cancelled with an excuse that could have been real or not but added the caveat that I could ring her if I wanted, but there has been no mention of meeting again from her.

Now I'm completely lost. Where do I go from here?

She sounds like a confused person with a flair for the dramatic. I'd give her time to decide what she really wants. Sounds like she loved the chase, but now she's all confused since you've relented.

If she really wants to reconcile, and there's no other reason why she can't (another relationship that may be on the rocks, etc), she will come to you.

Yes, you're right. I suppose after 9 months of rejection from me she would be somewhat confused. She obviously still wants contact with me but I am struggling to find a way of dealing with it without pushing her away. I could go Jercy again but wouldn't that send the wrong message at this point?

Hi,

For sure her behaviour suggests that she is playing games.

If her motivation for continually contacting you and finding out about you was just to get even then it is not good.

If she genuinely wants you in her life I doubt that she would risks pushing you away again, so something is wrong here. ie a red flag!

You on the other hand must communicate in a healthier way. Texting is not the appropriate medium for dialogue because a) it is limiting and b) it leaves too much to interpretation.

Lastly, and most importantly, how will starting a fresh relationship with this lady best serve you?

My first comment on this would be to ask you whether you have dealt with the baggage from your previous relationship that stopped you from committing last time around?

"I know I've hurt her deeply and she's probably frightened to death of the possible consequences of being back with me."

Sounds to me like she was deeply hurt I don't see that she is playing games. She almost certainly is confused as hell.

She has told you that you have a chance. So can you commit this time around or not? If you truly think you can then don't p1ss her about - get off your backside and do something about it. If you cannot commit then leave her alone - she has been hurt enough already.

Games or no, I think because she's talking to you, you do have a chance here. She even txted "you have the chance", unless that was a typo and she actually meant you had the chance. Even so she's engaging with you. Next time she suggests meeting, you pick a time and place and stick to it. Talk to her and more importantly listen to her and ask her what she wants from you and how you can show her what she needs. Do not say you've changed, just ask her what she needs. If she fails to show, ring her and tell her that you were prepared to meet and move forward at least and if she can't honour that, you have sadly little more to discuss and go back into Jercy.

commitment? Yes, I think I've dealt with it. Had an epiphany moment some time ago when I realised that to be with this woman I needed to commit fully and go the whole setting up home and settling down thing - felt like a weight had gone making that choice. She knows as I've made it quite clear whats on offer - it's what she's always wanted from me.

Is she playing games? I don't think so. It feels like she's frightened that if we get back together history will repeat itself (she's said this.) And the consequences of that are more pain for her. I suppose it boils down to can she trust me enough to try again.

Anyway, the situation went bellyup yesterday. I'd thought I'd do a little gentle probing on the 'chance and hope' thing she'd mentioned the previous evening and asked did she mean what she had said - I was looking for an opening to carry things forward. Long story short, she was on the fence again with 'I don't know.' So, I decided to back off and go NC again as I felt she needed more time to sort out what she wanted without me in the picture plus I'm not too good at coping with these seesaw hope then no hope situations. I then got the following text:

"It's probably best in the long run as we would end up hurting each other again. I will always love you and will never forget you"

Back to square one and nothing since.

It sounds like the time apart was difficult for her. She is worried what will happen. I think she needs reassurance, slow and steady reassurance.

Thats a tough question. Tough in light of the past where it sounds like it was you who wanted the breakup and she was the persistent one.

I think it is natural for her to be wary now that you're the one wanting to get back together. Perhaps some persistence on your part is on order? To reassure her on your intentions?

I guess all I can say is to decide whether what you did was right or not by the history of what has happened. Nothing exists in isolation. I guess its really a matter of better understanding her thoughts, feelings, and insecurities.

Don't know whether I've done the right thing or not - opinions would be appreciated please.

After severing contact yesterday I heard nothing till this morning then I had 2 texts - first says are you ok, second says she hates to think I am upset, sorry! I ignored them both then a third arrived - a completely random one about the film Saw 4.

I sent the following word for word:

"If you don't want to be with me like I want to be with you then leave me alone please"

Did I do the right thing?