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To compound the issue, in social occasions I often would be rude to my partner, by staring at other women, flirting etc. Only through looking back do I see how I did this, and was blind to this disrespect at the time. I think I did it because I was racked with guilt about my actions, in a dark place as regards desire and full of resentments I would not even admit to myself.

And it has all come cascading down. My partner cannot believe how much I lied to her; I cannot believe how much I lied to myself. These past four/five months have been tortuous, yet profound. It took a total destruction of my 'successful' life to see all I wanted was what i was leaving behind, and took losing everything that mattered to realize the demons whispering to me offered me nothing.


God, I have waffled on, but if anyone has anything to say on this, I'd love to hear it, positive or negative. Thanks

All I want is what I always had.